Barnabas

VII. NEW BEGINNINGS

The text is taken from Philippians 4:13.

I for one was glad when 1994 came to a close. Bad year. One of the worst since I became a Christian. In February, my brother let me know he was HIV positive. He had been for many years but my suspicion is that he was told by his doctor to get his affairs in order. And so he was letting everyone know. In May I went home from my job in North Carolina to spend time with him and to be with him on his birthday, only to spend more time with my parents. Which was fun but not what I planned. Who would have guessed it would be the last time I saw my father alive? Who would have known that two months later, on a lazy Saturday morning for me, I’d get a phone call from my sister-in-law that went something like this, “I hate to be the one to tell you this but your daddy died this morning” and that was that. I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye to him. I couldn’t tell him once more, just once more how much I loved him. I would never have one of his daddy hugs or see the smile on his face when he saw his grandchildren. I am glad for the time we had together, and that he lasted 17 years with his heart by-pass, many, many years longer than the doctors said he would last. I am glad he saw me graduate from high school 4th in the class and college and then Veterinary School. I am glad for that. But mostly I am glad for the love he showed me always and how close we were.

But I am here to tell you, my daddy is not supposed to be dead. He is supposed to still be here, with his wife, and his children, and his grandchildren. He is supposed to be here so that if and when I get married he can give me away. He is supposed to be here so he could have celebrated his 50th wedding anniversary and now his 60th wedding anniversary with his wife. He is supposed to be here to see his grandchildren graduate from high school and college. It just isn’t fair. One of the constants in my life is no longer constant, that daddy would always be there to wipe my tears or to listen to me rant or to teach me how to write better. The one thing I always wanted is my daddy to always be in my physical presence, so I could share meals out with him, go dancing with him, go to movies and theater with him. But as of 1994, he’s gone.

My brother was infected with the HIV virus. Sure he led a promiscuous lifestyle and at one point was a drug user and certainly a binge alcoholic. But whatever sin he was in, he was still my brother and to watch him continue in his self-destructive ways as an alcoholic with HIV was enough to break my heart.

My mom was broken emotionally by daddy’s death, and also financially. There was simply nothing left when daddy died. There was property that should have been sold but instead was mortgaged to pay for hospital bills. And there were debts that no one knew about until after he died. In addition, mom had to deal with watching her son suffer from AIDS, finally dying in 1997. And she herself went through cancer surgery in 1996.

IT’S NOT FAIR!!!

It breaks my heart with everything my family has had to deal with the last decade and especially in 1994. I have had to go through this from far away, because of my work. It nevertheless hurts, and I feel like I am going through the motions, because every fiber wants me to fold up and die with that hole that is in my heart right now from my loss. If I do that though the devil has deceived me and duped me into thinking eternity doesn’t exist and God does not care, when I know He does, when, with all my heart, I want to shout, “The only reason I am alive today is because of Him!!!” I’ll admit I don’t agree with a lot of what God does, and I don’t always like going through deep, murky waters, and I definitely don’t like climbing every mountain just to understand Him, but I guess that is where faith and the greatest quality of all, love, comes in. If you truly love God, you’ll keep His commandments. If you keep His commandments and do what is right in His eyes and keep His decrees then He will look after you. Not to say you won’t have disease or hardship, but you won’t have the hopelessness that so often accompanies trials. Remember He is the God that heals (Exodus 15:26). Right now, at this writing, there are days where it seems as though I would love God to just to wisk me away, and take my broken heart and mend it or give me a nice warm hug. Folding up and dying, so to speak. Then there are days where everything is great and I know that my Redeemer lives and that God is my Rock and that there is none before Him. And I know that neither the valley nor the mountain in itself is particularly bad, because everything is useful to God. I sure feel as though I could do without those dark times. But it is because of that feeling I understand what Paul meant by the groaning that only the Holy Spirit understood. There are times I don’t know what to pray for me or my family. Do I pray for healing, pray for strength, or do I pray that this is a nightmare and will soon be over and everyone can wake up and we’ll all be happy.

Then I thank God, because without Him there is no heaven, and without Him there are no friends to give comfort and to love me the way my friends do. Without Him, pain will go on and on and on instead of slowly getting better. Without Him there are no promises of a better life and no salvation…

Thanks be to God for taking care of all of us…