When I am out of synch

I defile God in my sin. But I also defile Him when I think that all is well, when I blind myself into thinking what a wonderful life I have, what a wonderful world to live in. I defile Him by not maintaining my reality, by living in rose-colored glasses. I can see the reality of a sinful world and like Lot live a little way from it, then in it all the way, until I myself take it up. Or I can like Abraham choose to be separate from it. Which will it be? I will war within myself and then with God. (Jer 27:8, La 1:9-11,20; La 2:18,19) God knows when I am at war within myself, that in the dark recesses of my heart, late at night, when no one but my own mind is apparent I will convince myself that everything I have lived for in the past deserves to be honored or that what I do is not sinful to God because I am not overtly sinning. But my heart knows better. Because my heart belongs to God. And so I am warring against myself as Judah did Israel. (2 Chronicles 13:14-18)

 

And I could blame God for my failings and weep and wail and ask Him why He made me so sinful. (Isaiah 63:17) I could tell God that He is holy but that His holy people were made to possess what was theirs for only a short time and then adversaries were OK’d to run them over. By Him. By His permission. Then I could stomp my feet and demand to know why. And God wouldn’t have to answer. Because first He does have to, and secondly maybe something was going on in history that perhaps it was time to show God’s power within His holy people in their weakness. Who knows but the Almighty why He does what He does? Because my brain is limited by three dimensions, I don’t have a clue. And I could search for answers until I start chasing around and around like a dog chasing its tail and I still won’t come up with the correct answers. And my reaction is usually two-fold. First, I am angry, and in my anger I pursue pleasures that are instantly gratifying, but at the same time empty, as though I know there is a hole where God used to be and am trying to fill it up with something that deep down I know cannot pitch like God. And in my deepest darkest recesses, in those nooks and crannies that I call my soul, I know that only God can save and deliver me, and I can plead with Him for deliverance (Gen 32:11) and His mercy (Gen 43:14). Deep down I know it is Him I must turn to for advice, much as Moses did in Exodus 17:4 when the people were grumbling against him. And I know in Him is the victory that overcomes the world, and that He is my protector (Num 20:16). I know that He is not some icon that I must appease, but one who in my pain and sorrow I can go crying to asking why and begging that He remember what a servant I have been and for Him to show mercy. (! Sam1:10,11) And I know that I can remind Him there are those that don’t like Him, or me when I say I do like Him. (Ps 74:22,23)