Who am I: My relationship with God through prayer (part 11)

Sometimes I am scared of what God will do to me if he finds out that I am not going to church, not fellowshipping, not reading. My concept is that God will be like a taskmaster and give me a swat if I don’t obey him. So there are times when I throw myself at His feet and ask Him for mercy, as though I was a servant of His that owed Him money. Then later down the line, I don’t treat those around me the way I want to be treated, only the way I expect to be treated (Matt 18:26). If I go into any relationship expecting to be chastised or corrected or judged, then given human beings it will happen. With God, however, I am not treated the way I expect. Oh, true enough Jesus says that if I don’t show mercy, I’ll get no mercy. But God doesn’t look at me the way I expect Him to look at me. He views me as His daughter, His child. And when I treat others with a measure of how I wouldn’t want to be treated, He is disappointed in me, and He thwarts me. I remember an incident in second grade. I had made fun of a girl whose religious background was different than mine. I made a rather ugly drawing and slipped it under her desk. When the teacher found it, she pulled me in front of the class to chastise me. But she did something worse. Made me take the paper home, told me to show my parents and have them sign to show that they knew what I had done. So I took the picture and presented it to my father. I never ever wanted to make him angry again. It was the first time I had seen him lose his temper with me, and I would strive to make it the last time. That is the way God is. When I do something that disappoints Him, He will prick my heart in a manner I don’t ever want Him to be hurt again, in a manner that any guilt-trip would seem like a walk in the park. And so my worship gets back on track. Instead of being the unmerciful servant, I become the giving and merciful one. Because that is what God wants me to do. And because that is worship to Him. When I truly tear down those barriers and find out exactly what God wants me to do, I am in obedience to him as was Lydia in Acts (Acts 16:14). Her heart was opened to God, and nothing was held back from Him.